from 1 AM 12/1/2014 – Just TOO MUCH

OK, all, it is 1:34 AM and I am absolutely unable to sleep. The “what if’s” have taken over my brain and I can’t turn them off. Part of the problem was that I was feeling really quite terrible this afternoon and took too long of a nap, but the rest of the problem is that I am supposed to have chemo at 9 AM tomorrow morning. I have all the details worked out as well as possible, with every contingency planned for…. dixon getting stuck at work late, the potential for children getting sick when they are otherwise supposed to go to school, arthritis that prevents me from getting Danny;s shoes on over his braces, etc etc etc.,,, but what if my labs aren’t all better and I’m still not hematologically strong enough to make this infusion safe??? I already KNOW that I am going to be absolutely exhausted, with no sleep till now and then chemo and then after that Danny’s Boy Scout court of Honor and Brian;s symphony rehearsal…. Tomorrow we also get the culture and sensitivity results for an infection on my foot that has failed four separate antibiotics. I can’;t think of a single good result that test could show… and we will see how much my transfusion bumped up my red cells…. Thankfully Dixon will be off work to take people to all these things, but somebody still has to hold down the fort around here, despite chemo and profound sleep deprivation…. 

Sometimes I think this is just all too hard.

11 thoughts on “from 1 AM 12/1/2014 – Just TOO MUCH

  1. It is hard and you have much to bear. I will storm heaven’s gates today asking HIM to take away some of this pain and to give you the strength and grace to bear it. Blessings to you, Elizabeth.

  2. I’m tired just reading that, and I don’t have chemo. I’m so sorry to hear about your arthritis and infection on top of every thing else. It is a lot. Praying for you and sending you (((HUGS))) and wishing I could help. We LOVE you!

  3. There are no words to describe what I feel right now, except “inadequate”,,, and not even sure I spelled it right! Praying for peace and comfort as you go through this day. Love you!

  4. Remember- God only gives you what He knows you can handle- don’t forget that- just Believe and it will all work out- I know, hard to do when you are a mom and trying to keep everything together- praying for you and your family

  5. Jesus loves you in your littleness. Step by step things will fall in place. Praise God that this life is not for eternity. Praise God that our citizenship is heaven. Praise God that all of your suffering is not wasted. Praise God that because of your suffering, many souls are being saved. Praise God that we do not have to lean on our own understanding. Elizabeth, you do not know me, but I have quietly been praying for you and your family well over 3 years after I stumbled upon your blog . I too am a mama of many. I too have a husband that is an ER Dr. I too love our catholic faith. We are part of the body of Christ. Rest my little one. You are loved. +++

  6. I have just lit a candle for you, and asked St Mary Mackillop to intercede on your behalf. God is holding you in the palm of His Hand.

  7. Oh sweetheart. Hugs and prayers. Hugs and prayers. If there is just one thing I have learnt from my brain tumor and subsequent disability, it is to rest and prepare my heart for God’s grace. To rest, and prepare …. Praying for you to find rest, and good medical results today.

  8. My prayers are with you Elizabeth. Please remember that you have many, many people holding you up. It’s OK to be tired. We are here for you sweetie, in person, in prayer and via internet!

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