I got home a couple of hours ago, and it’s hard to explain. I’m very glad that I’m home, and not in the hospital anymore, but I’m just not HAPPY, you know?
I think mostly it’s the pain. Maybe having surgeries on two main body areas at the same time wasn’t so smart. It’s hard to find a comfortable position, and then of course once I get there something happens and I have to move again… a trip to the bathroom, a bad coughing spell, time to take medicine, dropping my book right on top of my stitches…
The pathology report on the hysterectomy and ovaries part of my surgery came back completely benign. Yes, I’m glad that there was no cancer there, but it also makes me kind of sad that to save my life, we had to get rid of the totally normal parts of me that grew such wonderful babies, KWIM? And have I ever told you how much I hate hot flashes??
I guess it’s grief, too. Loss. Making a list of what we’ve lost this year would be a long process. Coming home today from losing my other breast, losing my fertility… it’s hard.
Pain, body image issues, grief, loss, fear, stress… yes, I’m glad to be home, but I’m not happy right this minute. I’m sad, and I’m hurting inside and out. So please don’t stop praying for me quite yet, OK? I still need you.