Yesterday my dad called me, and after a few moment of chatting, he told me I needed to go post right away on my blog that I was on day three of radiation and I was doing great. (… sorry, Dad, I just couldn’t…)
This evening I talked to my friend Betsy on the phone and she described my blog as a fantasy world… full of cute photos of the kids but not much of the actual agonies of my past few months. I told her she must have skipped the posts with the whining 🙂
So what’s the reality? I think my blog is pretty true to life… my experiences dealing with biopsies, more biopsies, big surgery, little surgery, chemotherapy, another biopsy, another surgery, and now radiation while keeping my family’s life as regular as possible. I share the things that make me laugh and the things that make me cry… some miracles, and some pretty mundane events.
Radiation is NOT going great. My radiation oncologist is wonderful, but a couple of the techs who do the treatments every day are truly mean. My chest hurts right where George’s bony little knees bang into it when I carry him over my shoulder. I am really, really tired. But I’d have to say that I’m in far better shape than the other people who go at the same time as I do. I think the average age has to be 70 or greater, and they aren’t there to get cured… they’re getting radiation for palliation, for control of pain from bone metastases, or because they want some sort of treatment but aren’t strong enough for chemotherapy.
I think radiation is going to be tough. They’re treating a BIG part of my chest, inside and out, with high doses. However, if by “doing great” my dad means that I’m able to take care of my children, stay on track with homeschooling, and keep up with the laundry, I guess I’m doing great. I’m not sure most people would define a hurting, tired and cranky mama that way, though. If Betsy thinks that by blogging that my situation is far better than the frail elderly people I see that I’m not sharing the tough reality… I guess I could whine more?
Maybe it all comes down to figuring out the purpose of blogging… to reassure friends and family that all is OK? For catharsis? Creating a journal of events that I can look back on later? Providing a way to organize my thoughts and a few photos so that I can make sense of them myself? Connecting with people in similar situations?
Thank goodness I don’t have to answer all these questions and figure everything out to be able to keep writing, because sharing what’s going on has really helped me so far in this journey. Maybe that’s all the reason I need.