Sometimes I wonder why I have two handicapped children AND breast cancer. It feels like a big burden today.
First, there’s George. He’s 14 months, with Down Syndrome, and he’s the nicest baby ever. He’s calm, sweet, happy and REALLY delayed in his gross motor skills. Last week he could sit up himself for a bit, but he seems to have forgotten how this week. We do our very best to help him grow and develop. Our physical therapist gives us excellent homework, which we do faithfully. Often I think, though, that I’d be a better mom to George and he wouldn’t be so far behind if I had more energy to do more with him than snuggle and read. But surgeries and chemotherapy make me really tired. I’ve heard that radiation makes you tired, too….
And then there’s Danny. Danny is five, and he has CP from a metabolic disorder. He’s on oxygen, and he’s tube fed all night through a Mic-Key button. He’s been sick since Friday, and so he’s even more high maintenance than usual. Since he’s really too wiped out to eat enough to keep his carbohydrate levels up, he’s needed round the clock tube feeding lately, and he’s needed even more help with everything.
Taking care of Danny is very physically demanding. Getting his shoes on over his braces is hard. Getting him and his oxygen cord and his tube feeding pumper pole back and forth to the bathroom is hard. Getting his violetmobile folded and up into the back of the van is hard. When I’m hurting and tired, it’s hard to find the strength to do all these things.
So why, on top of these two boys with their challenges, did I end up with breast cancer? Big, bad breast cancer? I’ve tried to read a few books that friends have suggested, but it still doesn’t seem right or fair somehow. Danny and George need a mom with MORE strength and energy, not less. Everybody tells me to get more help with things around here, but that wouldn’t take care of the minute-by-minute (or middle of the night 🙂 ) tasks that really are continuous mommy jobs. And if somebody were here to help me continuously (besides on chemo days or surgery weeks) I think it would drive me crazy anyway. No, I KNOW it would drive me crazy. Not that I’m not already, but still….
I know there’s no magic answer, I just wonder sometimes.