Copied email update about my day
We just finished doing my switched from Wednesday to Saturday chemotherapy…. I was typing out an email to some dear friends who buoy me up emotionally through days like this, and meanwhile I was feeling guilty that all this typing ( one finger on the iPad… Not efficient. ). Wasn’t blog typing instead… I have so much to blog about, so many pictures… But when everything doesn’t line up right with my time, my drugs, the computer that I can put pictures on, etc…. Excuses excuses… So I decided to just copy and paste this email onto my blog so that if anybody is SOOOOO BORED that they want to read over a thousand words of whining, at least it’s up there, typos and complaining and all.
This morning, Emily had to go to the train station at 630 to be in raleigh by noon for governors school auditions. ( imagine here a photo of emily walking away from the van, bookbag and viola on her back…. ) Brian and Danny had violin adjudications downtown, (in Charlotte, not Raleigh. Thank God ) and I felt like the world’s lamest mother since, for example, at least fourteen out of fifteen of the littlest Asian girls were in pink dresses with very full skirts, perfect white tights, shoes and immaculate cardigans buttoned at the top. Danny’s two best friends were in perfectly pressed Oxford cloth shirts, khaki pants with no holes or grass stains, their shirts were tucked in and their belts were obviously their own, not borrowed from a brother one size bigger or smaller. I hadn’t read that part of the instructions… Brian wore plaid shorts and an old soccer jersey.
(imagine here a lovely photo of Brian’s big violin right next to danny’s tiny one….)
I left George with Sam. Mistake. Details in a second.
When we were in the warmup room, Danny buried his face in my lap and started to cry. He said he didn’t want to play for the judge because even when he plays the right notes perfectly, his music doesn’t ever sound nice (his way of explaining that due to his cerebral palsy he has a tough time with good tone production…). But the way he said it even made me cry. We got his teacher to come help and she ended up sniffling, too. Danny just usually doesn’t have this sort of troubles… To make a long story short, he got through it… It was a growth experience in a very supportive setting, which is the whole point… But oh my heart was breaking for him as he gets more insights into his disabilities. Brian did great and scored at the highest level. Even though he played a totally randomly wrong last note…. I mean with a bazillion notes in that piece, all played from memory, of course, how can you forget the very last one? Very strange
We got home, Dixon, who had worked all night was in the kitchen with George. Sam had accidentally fallen asleep on the job so George thought he might wake daddy by clobbering him in the head with a big CD player. (no, I did not take a picture of the goose egg on dixon’s temple)
Emily called from the audition. Her solo went perfectly, but the sight-reading…. Uh…. One kid’s quote was “well, there were notes on the page. I played some notes, maybe some might have been on the page somewhere. Then I stopped.”. She was reassured that all the kids felt the same way.
Then Brian had a soccer game, that Dixon, despite working all night and being up wnith George earlier really wanted to go to. No arguments allowed. So they went, and they lost four to zero. Brian scored the other team’s fourth goal. (no photos of very sad soccer player. That’s sort of unfair)
Meanwhile, I took a nap with George and missed a skype call with sweet Katie and her mitten knitting! At least she got to chat with Danny… They are the same age.
We muddled through the rest of the day and evening until just before I was supposed to pick Emily up at the train station, Brian got a migraine and his medicine was still at walgreens. George was having a tantrum and refused to stay with Sam.
Back to making a long story short, we got the drugs, got the migraine fixed, Brian is asleep. We got danny’s dressings changed, his tapes fixed, his tubie juice hung up and everything attached for nighttime. George is asleep. Sam is asleep. But I ABSOLUTELY have to have one of my chemo drugs tonight. And we have the wrong kind of needles. I noticed this AFTER taking my oral premeds, so I couldn’t drive to go get the right ones.
I managed to talk Emily into doing my treatment with unfamiliar incorrect administration supplies. She was not happy, but got over it, and spent the next half hour snuggling her sweet smelling freshly showered damp head into my shoulder and chatting about her audition and her learning today that as a legally visually impaired kid, she is eligible for 100% tuition assistance at any state college, even through grad school.
So now I have had my chemotherapy, at least 80% of my children are asleep, so I need 420 more ml of fluids and I can go to sleep too.
I think I might cut and paste this note to you guys right into my blog… I have been so bad at updating everybody….
Cancer sucks. And when they add the cytoxan, it’s going to be worse.
A friend will bring me communion in the morning. Could actually use some of that extra grace right now.
So here’s the conclusion:
I CAN’T FIGHT CANCER AND ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY AND EROSIVE ARTHRITIS AND EVERYTHING AND DO MY JOB AS A MOTHER TOO. ITS JUST TOO HARD AND I AM MAKING A BIG MESS OF THE WHOLE THING.
now that I have that off my chest, and now that my vision is going all wonky again (side effect from one of the antiemetic drugs) I’m going to close my eyes and listen to my sung rosary. Maybe tomorrow will be less out of control…
Love
Esd
Elizabeth DeHority
I’m thinking two things:
One, if you have a teenage daughter who snuggles with you and tells you about her day, you’re doing something really, really right.
And two, except for the cancer part, and the adrenal insufficiency, and the erosive arthritis, and having five kids at home (rather than my one), and two of said kids having considerable health issues, and maintaining a blog that immeasurably inspires people–I feel the same way you do. About having seemingly lost my supermom powers. At my house, we are down to one clean towel today, and I’ve felt really guilty and sorry for myself about all the places I’ve had to be this week instead of home doing laundry and all the other things I haven’t gotten done, and how I’m setting a sad example of prioritizing for my son lately, etc., etc. And now I read your post and wonder how you could possibly feel like anything less than amazing.
For the record, my teenage son will still snuggle up next to me, too, if no one’s looking. So somehow, in all the falling short, I must be doing something right.
But you are simply amazing.
You are amazing. You think you can’t do it and yet….you are. It may not all be perfect like you’d like for it to be so you feel like you are failing. You are doing it. You’re children see you trying so hard to do it all.
And when you have to reschedule and get more rest and have others take over because you can’t they see that too. How hard you try how pain and medications stink and they pray daily you will be ok in the long run.
See you are doing it! Yep, you just don’t feel like you are.
Elizabeth,
I’ve only recently discovered your BLOG, via other’s posts of your wondrous trip to Washington. I don’t know how I missed all the links these past months, asking for prayers for Elizabeth DeHority…all this time I never imagined they actually linked here. Needless to say, while you’ve been in our prayers I’ve missed witnessing the life of a truly courageous, amazing, grace-filled woman, whose life gives rich testimony to how very, very much God can do in and through one individual soul! Your smile and gracious, peaceful presence radiated through each of the images and words shared by Elizabeth F. and Anne V. in posts of your Momcation! Your recent post tells of a life brimming over with grace, in spite of circumstances must seem out of control and would intimidate the bravest of souls. I sit in awe of all that you and your family are accomplishing in your day to day living….many of us could not juggle even one of the many balls you have spinning about, yet you do so with a grace that shines forth in your very life and words. May our Lord bless you and your dear family with sustaining grace, profound peace, abundant hope and immense joy in the midst of it all! Praying for all of you, asking all of God’s holy angels and saints to assist you and abide with you in each and every moment of your days! Sometimes we accomplish the most, when we seem to be able to do the least… surrendering ourselves to God’s holy will and plan….allowing others to do and act and serve, when our hearts and souls are soooo yearning to do it all. May God’s healing balm soothe your entire being, renewing you in heart, mind, body and soul, especially when things seem just too hard to bear! Rest in His love, mercy and grace! You are living in the midst of profound grace at work…even when it may not look that way on the surface!!! Whispering a prayer that your Lord’s Day is especially blessed and peaceful!
Pray! Hope! Trust! Hold Fast!
May God bless you and hold you in the palm of his loving hand.
My family and I pray each night for you, Elizabeth…..
You are an inspiration to me and to so many other mothers to be grateful, to take one day at a time, and to stay the course, wherever that course may wind.
May a dose of Luke 12 be a balm to your spirit this morning. Love, hugs, prayers, Esther
22 He said to (his) disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear.
23
For life is more than food and the body more than clothing.
24
Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds!
25
Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan?
26
If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?
27
Notice how the flowers grow. They do not toil or spin. But I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of them.
28
If God so clothes the grass in the field that grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
29
As for you, do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not worry anymore.
30
All the nations of the world seek for these things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31
Instead, seek his kingdom, and these other things will be given you besides.
32
Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom.
33
Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy.
34
For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
You are NOT making a mess of the whole thing! You are doing the best you can, and it sounds to me like you have raised some fantastically awesome kids.
I don’t have kids–heck, I’m not even married–but I had cystic fibrosis and a double-lung transplant, and my family was so great about helping me when I needed it. Your Emily sounds just like my little sister, who would help me do IV treatments and whatever else.
I love reading your blog because you have raised such great children. They–and you–are a joy to read about. You are not screwing up everything.
(PS: I loved the part about the sight-reading. That sounds like something I would say!)
Elizabeth, I have long been a reader of your blog, and I am sorry I have never commented before. I think I found your blog when George was little and have enjoyed watching him grow ~ my niece Emma is 5 and had Ds too. He is a darling little boy, and the video you posted about him reading is just amazing!!
But, I think you are amazing too! Whatever you may think, you are fighting your cancer with a grace and faith that is witness to us all. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.
Your blog however, doesn’t seem to be much about your disease or limitations caused by it. What shines through to me is your faith in God, your love and commitment to your family and your love of knitting! Please, whatever you do, do not think you are making a mess of it ~ a teenage daughter resting her head on her mom, a little boy confessing his fears to his mom, all testimonies to a deep love and trust. You are getting it all RIGHT!!
I know words from a stranger probably don’t help a great deal, but I felt very led to share with you this morning what an inspiration you are to me. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and may God continue to hold you close to Him.
The peace of the Lord be with you always.
Sue
I wish I had something beautifully inspirational to say. I never really know what to say. You are a part of my daily prayers. You make me thankful for my good health. On more than one occasion since I began following your blog, I have thought of you when my day seemed out of control and overwhelming… it gave me perspective. I am sure you would rather be cancer-free than inspiring, but you are indeed an inspiration. May God bless you. +JMJ+
I don’t think I can add anything profound or inspirational, but I send lots of love and prayers.
Elizabeth, you are doing so many things right, showing us grace and peace and contentment and faith and love, yours and HIS. praying for you and yours. love, amy
Oh, to be little and humble and nothing to hang on to but the faith like that of a child is to give God all the glory that we can do nothing apart from him but everything in our limited power for Him. How have you not loved? How great is your desire?! How perfect is that?! You are immune to your own beauty but the rest of us are in awe.
Elizabeth,
Just a reminder that our family prays for you each day. You are the best mommy in the world for those kids–don’t ever forget it…Will boost our prayers for you. God love you!
Prayers my dear…anyone of those things happens regularly in more homes than you can imagine. And yet we all keep on inspite of what could and does and may go wrong. His grace is sufficient. You are being all that He made you be, and you do it with cancer and adrenal insufficiency and erosive arthritis. I was actually glad to see you shout, you’re not superwoman and the bad completely sucks. And God put you right here, right now, because He loves you, and Dixon, and Brian, Sam, Emily, Danny, George and me. He loves me enough to show me your courage, and humility. He loves each one of us, your faithful blog readers, to share you with us, to let us, in some small way, be your Simon of Cyrene, and have the opportunity to help you with our prayers and sacrifices.
Elizabeth,
Please know that anyone who has met you, or just read your blog, realize what an amazing person you are! I can’t imagine accomplishing all you do with all you’re going through right now…actually I get tired “reading” your blog! So, just remember it’s your friends who are feeling inadequate right now, okay?
Just consider your “job” right now is to rest, and listen to all these inspirational words your friends are sending, especially Jenny’s!
Sending lots of prayers and love!
We don’t know each other, but I check your blog often to see how your family is doing and say a prayer for you. I can not believe you think your not doing a great job as a Mom! Just the fact you manage even a fraction of the things you have written about makes you like some kind of SUPER MOM that is able to be selfless in her care of her children and an inspriation to the rest of us! God must have given you a special soul, and your love for Him is eveident and shining! He thinks you are wonderful or He would have never blessed you with your special children! Anyway praying for you!
James 1:12, “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” (NIV, 1984)
This verse should speak to you!
Prayers,
Jen
elizabeth: god rains his grace down whether we feel it or not.
you are awesome, in the strictest sense of the word.
love love love love love
rowena___.
Elizabeth-
#1 You can ‘whine’ all you want to- I’ll always read your posts and (more importantly) you out of ANYONE should get a free pass for getting things off your chest. I personally wouldn’t call that post whining. You are such the better person than I, sweet lady.
#2 You are a FANTASTIC mom. Hellllloooo- do you not remember that a Catholic preist wrote you a thank-you note for the privilege of listening to your sweet child’s first connfession? Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.
#3 (As you can tell, I am into lists!) You encourage and inspire so many moms. I come here often looking for your gentle words. Thank you for sharing your “cut and paste” email.
Elizabeth, I count myself blessed for knowing you, even if it only is on the internet. Know that many prayers and Rosaries are said for you and your family daily. Take care my sister in Christ, Jennifer
Dearest Elizabeth, I agree with everything everyone else has said and would add only this: not only are you inspiring to what feels like a bazillion of us who know you in person as well as through your blog, you still have a wonderful sense of humor. That in itself is something of a miracle.
By the way, your post about LibriVox got me on to that activity so I have been recording for them. See – another piece of inspiration you have accomplished.
Lay down the burden of coping whenever you need to – there are willing and loving hands all around you.
Love Cx
You are a HUGE inspiration to me. Thank you not only for doing everything you do, but for sharing it with all of us.
On another note, I didn’t realize your Danny has Cerebral Palsy. My uncle has CP, and he overcame the challenges of his disability as well as others’ misunderstandings and answered the call to be a Catholic priest – in your diocese! His name is Fr. Jim Collins, and he is currently at St. Joseph’s in Newton. My mom (his sister) recently wrote a piece about him on her blog: http://darby-beyondpearls.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-see-cross.html
Prayer, prayers and more prayers for you.. constantly.
All my love
Cathy
Oh sweetie. I feel like I’m making a mess of it too: so much to carry … But you know what? God is carrying us, every moment of every day and night. His Grace showers us in every heartbeat, even when we think we’re making a mess of it all. We’re not. We’re not making a mess or failing our families.
You are in my prayers,
~ ellie
I totally can NOT see a “big mess”. Your children love you, they are fed, dressed, schooled, know how to play instruments and chess, look after each other. So someone’s clothes didn’t match the rest of the group. So, the last note was wrong. So, he scored on his own team. None of these things are an indication you are making a ‘mess’. THey indicate you are a loving, trying parent who has WAY too much to deal with.
The mothers who are making a big mess don’t even know they are doing it, and never care.
Elizabeth, even though it may seem like a mess to you, your account of your day really buoyed me up- clearly you have picked up every little cross (the smaller ones are often harder to handle) and worked through them with love and patience. A perfect day, in other words!
I am praying for you- please could you remember me in your prayers? I am 36 weeks pregnant- my baby definitely has a hole in the heart requiring surgery- baby may also have DS, more likely than not. The scan today shows fluid in the gut (?duodenal atresia) and the placenta is calcifying, dopplers are less good than they were, baby’s growth is tailing off. It’s all very worrying and I am trying not to worry but to trust. Seeing that you are able to love and care for your children with their varied needs encourages me- I have three other children with no health problems, so this is new to me. Thanks for sharing in your blog and for your prayers.
I pray for you. I appreciate your updates. I’ve been lurking, but I wanted you to know that you are sincerely in my prayers.
I’m in tears…that’s all I can really say except I pray for you often…I taught someone to knit yesterday and I thought of you…you bring beauty where ever you go and I too am amazed a priest wrote to thank you for the opportunity to hear your child’s confession. Please know so many people are lifting you up in prayer…even those of us who rarely leave comments!!
I am praying so hard for you, Elizabeth. You are such a wonderful mother and you always go over and beyond what is expected. I have always admired you as a mother from the very first time I met you when I was subbing in Ms. Janice’s class at Holy Comforter. I know you have so much on your plate now, but your children are so incredibly blessed to have you as their mother. Remember that God’s mercies are new each and every morning. I am praying that you will wake up tomorrow morning and feel His new mercies to get you through the day.
I miss your children so much. I am so glad to hear that Emily auditioned for Governor’s School and that she did well despite the sight reading. That is always the hardest part of an audition. I am also glad that Brian and Danny did a competition downtown. Congratulate Brian for me for playing so well even though his last note was totally wrong. That just happens sometimes! That breaks my heart about Danny being upset about his playing. He can play well and has excelled in it so much more than we ever thought a couple of years ago. He will continue too…I just know it
Give him a big hug for me, then give each one of your other children a hug for me too.
Miss you all and praying hard…
We are praying for strength for you. Elizabeth, I do not know you very well. But in the few times I have met you I have sensed that you are an amazing mother. I know Isabella loves you. We will pray to the Blessed Mother for you today.
Angela
I did not see your email address to contact you…..please email me I have a gift for your family.
You are quite amazing. You must get so tired and discouraged, and yet you do what you do, and create this beautiful blog that we all read, and raise those wonderful children. God bless you Elizabeth. Praying hard for you and all of yours.
Hi Elizabeth,
Just writing to let you know that I am also praying for you. Through your struggles, you have become an inspiration for us who are watching from the outside. May God continue to give you strength. Today I am taking the children to confession, which is in a little chapel that holds perpetual adoration. I will continue to pray to Our Lord for you.
You are amazing…..praying for you right now.
((((HUGS LOVE and Prayes)))))))) to you!
Peace,
Georgiann